Something kind of like self expression, or more simply, just a matter of taste.
Just have to keep stepping one foot in front of the other in this maze of solitude and loneliness. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between those two. It’s tempting to just climb the walls and parkour my way out but no, I need to take this time. Time to find myself and piece together those last shreds of sanity poking out from behind my ears.
It’s hard not to just let my thoughts, and desires be dictated by those I feel for, but it’s a challenge to truly understand my own reasons for being, my own intentions and my own fullness of being me.
I wrote that and then realized that my mind and my body are responding to a sudden shift in the company I’ve been able to keep. I’ve gone from one extreme where I had to keep admirers at bay, I could afford myself the opportunity to spend the night in the arms of one affectionada or another. Now I can do nothing more than drown myself in work and my own momentary pursuits.
It started when what some would call my girlfriend or what others would call primary went off on a well needed escapade. She is the one person I’ve been able to spend time with and share my life’s ups and downs with. She’s been the person I open up to and can be truly honest with even if it’s talking about dinner or laying in bed with our glistening bodies entwined while i nibble all over her.
We still talk, but distance takes its toll. We both appreciate this as a lesson in loneliness but not having the same ease of closeness and communication is hard to bear at times.
Around the same time one of my recent flirtations got caught up in the traps of life and needed to retreat to find her sanity. I don’t fault her for it, we all need time to ourselves. But everything had been going so well, an adventure in exploring lust and sensuality had managed to repeat itself. Long withheld mutual desire gave way to circumstance. We were able to recognize the connections we shared and act upon them. It was an experience in meeting someone on a deeper level and i’m sad I can’t continue that adventure.
And the last of these girls that I’ve become enamored with…. I know I could have it handled better. She is a transient being and I’ve come to respect that, yet at the same time I really cherish the few moments I was able to steal away with her. When we could just lie down in bed and converse, meet each other in the same otherwordly currents and harvest our collective understanding and connection.
Suddenly those opportunities disappeared. Time and circumstance bring people together just as easily as they hold people just out of reach of each other. In this life of ebb and flow we have to cherish the moments where we are brought together. And for some reason with everything that was happening I couldn’t stand the thought of having to let go again.
The sad thing is how I responded. Instead of simply accepting that it was in her nature to disappear for a time to life her own life. I lashed out, grasping at driftwood like a man cast into the ocean in a storm. I jumped to the conclusion that I was pushing her away. and in doing so I did just that. I spewed out rash words that had more meaning than my intention. and for what? To try to bind someone to my side when it was against their will.
Now it pains me to think of typing a message to her, it pains me to attempt to dial her number into my phone. I can think of all the conversations I could engage her in but my drive withers and fades.
I don’t know if I believe in myself enough to recover from this enough to rekindle the connection we started to nurture.
This is not to say there aren’t new opportunities that have come knocking on my door. Past attempts at intimacy are finally bearing fruit. I can feel these new sparks glowing in front of my face. Yet my mind is still consumed with the two embers I fear I won’t be able to fan into fire.
I’m drowning in the regret of connections I might have lost. I’m beating myself up for a misstep in this dance of life and love and companionship.
Now I know all things pass with time but this is my present, this is my reality and right now, it’s just a little bit lonely. Letting go is hard.